EktayaPeople often say “I lack confidence” to mean two different things. Knowing which one applies to you helps you choose where to start.
Self-confidence and self-esteem are close, and they feed each other, but they don't answer the same question. Self-confidence answers “can I do this?” Self-esteem answers “do I have worth, even when I fail?” You can have one without the other, and what helps one isn't necessarily what helps the other.
The difference between self-confidence and self-esteem
Self-confidence is about action. It's the feeling that you can handle a specific situation: speaking up in a meeting, driving on the highway, saying no to someone close to you, learning a new skill. It varies from one area to another. You can be very sure of yourself at work and lose all your composure when it comes to dating or standing up for yourself in a conflict.
Self-esteem is broader. It's the overall view you have of yourself, the worth you give yourself as a person, regardless of what you achieve. A person with solid self-esteem can fail an exam and think “I failed this exam,” while fragile self-esteem hears “I'm a failure.”
The psychiatrists Christophe André and François Lelord, in their book L'Estime de soi (1999, in French), describe self-esteem as resting on three pillars: self-love, self-view, and self-confidence. In this model, self-confidence is one part of self-esteem, the part that touches on action.
Spotting what's holding you back
A few questions to tell the difference:
- Does your discomfort show up mostly in certain situations (public speaking, negotiating, starting a project), or is it an underlying doubt about yourself that comes back everywhere?
- When you succeed at something, do you give yourself credit, or do you think it was luck, that it was easy, that anyone could have done it?
- When you make a mistake, do you tell yourself “I made a mistake” or “I'm not good enough”?
If your discomfort is tied to specific situations and the rest of the time you feel fairly good about yourself, it's more likely confidence that's missing. If you find it hard to credit yourself for your successes and your mistakes seem to say something about your worth, it's probably self-esteem that needs attention. Often the two are mixed together, and that's normal.
For self-confidence: take it one notch further
Confidence is built mostly by doing. Waiting until you feel ready before acting often means waiting a long time, because it's usually action that produces the feeling of being capable, more than the other way around.
- Choose one area. Just one, the one where low confidence bothers you most right now.
- Find a step within reach. Not the biggest possible one, just one notch above what you usually do. If speaking up in a meeting seems impossible, it could be asking a single question. If calling a stranger freezes you up, it could be calling for simple information.
- Do it, even if you're nervous. Nerves aren't a stop sign. They often come along with what matters to you.
- Write down what happened, using facts. In the evening, write what you did and how it actually went, without the commentary your mind adds. “I asked my question, and I got an answer” rather than “I stumbled over my words, they must have thought I was ridiculous.”
- Move up a notch when this one gets easy. Not before.
Over time, these notes become a stock of evidence you can reread on days of doubt.
For self-esteem: change how you talk to yourself
Self-esteem plays out a lot in the way you talk to yourself, especially after a mistake. Many people treat themselves with a harshness they would never show a friend.
The next time you catch yourself criticizing yourself, pause for a moment and listen to the tone of your inner voice. Then ask yourself: if a close friend had just been through exactly the same thing, what would I say to them? Say that sentence to yourself, in your head or under your breath. It acknowledges the mistake and puts it back in its place: something you did, not who you are.
It often feels artificial the first few times. Repetition is what makes this new tone feel more natural.
What the body says
Low confidence is often felt physically, in a knotted stomach before speaking, or breathing that locks up at the moment of saying no. In the chakra tradition, this area corresponds to the solar plexus, associated with willpower and self-assertion. If that reading speaks to you, the article on the solar plexus chakra goes into it. A few slow breaths before a situation that intimidates you won't remove the nerves, but they can help you stay present in spite of them.
When to talk to a professional
If low confidence keeps you from working, going out, or seeing people, or if the feeling of being worthless is there almost all the time, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional. These practices are wellbeing tools, and they don't replace support when the distress is significant.
Take it further with a program
Self-esteem can become steadier when you know what really matters to you. That's the work of the fourth week of Inner Renaissance: defining your values, setting an intention, then making a pact with yourself, with a guided meditation to go along with it.
Five weeks to come back to what matters to you and move forward at your own pace. Explore Inner Renaissance
